Marriage is a voluntary commitment between a man and a woman to be each other’s loving partner for life. This agreement or covenant is made in the presence of God, who sets His seal of permanence on their acts. (Malachi 2:14; Proverbs 2:17 - covenantal concept). It is this covenant which establishes a marriage.

Marriage ceremonies are not described in the Bible. However, special clothing, feasts, celebrations, gifts, and friends are regularly associated with biblical weddings. Marriage is not viewed as being strictly a private affair between two people. A wedding ought to be conducted in such a manner so as to be seen as fitting and binding within the society in which it takes place. In our country, licenses, vows, witnesses, and people designated to perform marriages are required. Following such a wedding, it is understood by all that this couple have committed themselves to one another permanently. This recognized commitment thereafter reshapes the way other members of the society relate to that couple.

As Christians, it is our desire, not merely to meet the requirements of the government for marriage; but to see to it that our weddings reflect the loftiness of biblical marriage, which is illustrated by the relationship of Christ to His church. A Christian couple should seek to fulfil all that God has for them as a team who are in His service. Together they can do and be something that neither could accomplish nor be done alone.

Within the safety and intimacy of this covenant relationship, God sees the sexual aspect of marriage as good. It is to meet the need for deep intimacy on the part of the couple. Within this same sanctuary of trust, children are to be reared, bring joy to the parents, and glory to God as they also learn to walk with Him.

Roles of Husbands and Wives

As believers, regardless of age, marital status, sex, or levels of spiritual maturity, we are…

· members of one another (Romans 12:5)

· to be devoted to one another in brotherly love (Romans 12:10)

· to honour one another above yourselves (Romans 12:10)

· to be of the same mind with one another (Romans 15:5)

· to accept one another (Romans 15:7)

· to admonish one another (Romans 15:14)

· to greet one another (Romans 16:16)

· to serve one another in love (Galatians 5:13)

· to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2)

· bearing with one another in love (Ephesians 4:2)

· to submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21)

· to encourage one another (I Thessalonians 5:11)

Some of the ways Christ loved the Church which can be imitated by husbands as they love their wives:

· by inviting people to walk with Him. (John 1:39;6:67)

· by serving, not demanding to be served. (Matthew 20:28)

· by treating His disciples as friends, telling them all things. (John 15:15)

· by reassuring the loved ones through kind deeds and words. (John 13:5)

· by providing “hard to bear” information as they were able to bear it. (John 16:12)

· by being willing to do anything for them! (John 14:13-14)

· by visualizing for them a future deep intimacy - He was moving them toward it. (John 14:20-21)

· by allowing them to freely “buy into” His plan of action. (Matthew 16:15)

· by leading resolutely in unpleasant situations when no one wants to lead. (Matthew 26:46)

· by affirming them in their own abilities, and allowing for failure. (Matthew 10:1;17:16)

· by providing for their anxieties. (John 14:1)

· by providing comfort when absent, the Holy Spirit. (John 14:16-18)

The key word is “loved” which fits the deep longing of the wife for security.

Some of the ways the Church (people who have become His followers) responds to Christ, which can be imitated by wives as they honour their husbands:

· Its members are baptized into and take on the name of Christ. (Acts 2:38)

· Its most prominent member saw himself as a bond slave of Christ. (Romans 1:1)

· Its most noble members pursue the interests of Christ. (Philippians 2:21)

· Its members “believe in Christ.” (Romans 3:26)

· Its members find liberty in Christ. (Galatians 5:1,13)

· Its members do good works. (Ephesians 2:10)

· Its members love Christ. (Ephesians 6:24)

· Its members thank Christ, even for things that might be taken for granted. (I Timothy 1:12)

· Its members long to know Christ in a deep way. (Philippians 3:8-10)

· Its members are “workers together with Him.” (II Corinthians 6:1)

· Its members are willing to suffer for His sake. (Philippians 1:29)

· Its members seek to exalt Christ. (Philippians 1:20)

The key word is “honoured” which fits the husband’s deep longing to be “somebody.”

“Love Life” Book Dedication to Couples

It is our prayer that you may learn, not just to hold your marriage together, but to become united as lovers, experiencing a living, growing romantic love which becomes more wonderful every year, making every month a honeymoon (literally, a month of sweetness). (Dedication in "Love Life for Every Married Couple - How to fall in love, stay in love, rekindle your love" by Ed Wheat, M.D.)

God’s Way

You and your marriage partner can have a thrilling love relationship, more wonderful than any romance secular literature has ever written or filmed, if you will develop it in God's way. ("Love Life" by Ed Wheat)

My Responsibility

It is my responsibility to love my wife the way Christ loved me... as I put the principles of the Bible into practice, I learned how to really love my wife. This became pleasure as well as responsibility. Obedience took on the bright colors of joy! ("Love Life" by Ed Wheat)

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband (Ephesians 5:22-33 NASB).

A Husband’s Submission to Oneness

Husbands submitting to their wives for the sake of oneness is a bedrock biblical principle. This is where we begin to understand the role of male submission in marriage. For husbands there are more important things than exerting any authority in marriage - things like oneness and the growth of a tender, fragile relationship. This is "submission to oneness."

Any stumbling block we place in the way of oneness with our wives is sin. It weakens God's purpose for marriage and flaunts our leadership at the expense of God's work.

Nothing breaks oneness like trampling your wife's soul essence - that mysterious, God-created combination of her innermost qualities. ("Every Man's Marriage" by Stephen Arterburn & Fred Stoeker)

God's Call to Men for Marital Oneness

Men are primarily responsible to complete God's call to marital oneness.

For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body (Ephesians 5:23 NASB).

While women have clear responsibilities in marriage, let's speak plainly: Who is God likely to hold most responsible? I knew that I would have to answer for my marriage, no matter how I tried to twist out of it. God gave me my wife and asked me to lead well as the head of my family. I knew that my marriage and my love for my wife were my highest calling. ("Every Man's Marriage" by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker)

Uriah's Love

When rebuking King David, in order to capture a heavenly message, Nathan compares Uriah's love for his wife, Bathsheba, to that as of a "little ewe lamb" being "like a daughter to him" (II Samuel 12:1-6).

Just as Bathsheba was so very precious to Uriah, so your wife is precious to you. She lives with you and lies in your arms. She is to be treated according to her value to God as a child created in His image.

You have been entrusted with the priceless essence of another human soul, so precious to God that He paid dearly for her with the death of His own Son.

He sent His only Son to provide for her future, to protect her, and to bring her home to heaven safely... God raised her and cherished her, and I must do the same. ("Every Man's Marriage" by Stephen Arterburn & Fred Stoeker)

God's Will in Marriage

It is God's will in every marriage that the couple love each other with an absorbing spiritual, emotional, and physical attraction that continues to grow throughout their lifetime together.

It is possible for any Christian couple to develop this love relationship in their marriage because it is in harmony with God's express will.

Because He is the One who made us, who conceived the idea of marriage and ordained it for our blessing, who gave us the potential for love, He is the One who knows best how to build love into marriage. He must be intimately involved in all our efforts to develop the kind of marriage that pleases Him.

As we follow His principles and put His concepts into practice, we can begin to experience the marriage that He planned for us from the beginning, filled with the "blaze of newness and the sweet assurance of sameness" all our days. ("Love Life" by Ed Wheat)

Guidelines for a Successful Marriage (writing on Ugandan wall hanging)

1) Treat marriage as sacred.

And He answered and said, “Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE, and said, ‘FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH’? “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate” (Matthew 19:4-6 NASB).

2) Speak respectfully.

There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the tongue of the wise brings healing (Proverbs 12:18 NASB).

3) Practise kindness & compassion.

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you (Ephesians 4:32 NASB).

4) Don't hastily take offence.

Do not be eager in your heart to be angry, For anger resides in the bosom of fools (Ecclesiastes 7:9 NASB).

5) Know when to keep quiet.

This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God (James 1:19-20 NASB).

6) Show humility.

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves (Philippians 2:3 NASB).

7) Listen with empathy.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep (Romans 12:15 NASB).

8) Make it a habit of expressing appreciation.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful (Colossians 3:15 NASB).

9) Be quick to forgive.

BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity (Ephesians 4:26-27 NASB).

10) Stay committed to your mate.

“So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate” (Matthew 19:6 NASB).

11) Self-sacrifice reinforces commitment.

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus (Philippians 2:3-5 NASB).

12) Love one another deeply from the heart.

Since you have in obedience to the truth purified your souls for a sincere love of the brethren, fervently love one another from the heart, for you have been born again not of seed which is perishable but imperishable, that is, through the living and enduring word of God (I Peter 1:22-23 NASB).

Romantic Love

God has a genuine romantic love rooted in the reality of agape love for the husband and wife who will take His counsel seriously. ("Love Life" by Ed Wheat)

Thrill of Romance

The thrill of romance, the pleasure of friendship, the tranquility of belonging, the sweetness of intimacy - in fact, all the aspects of love are an integral part of marriage. ("Love Life" by Ed Wheat)

Pleasing Your Wife

Marriages thrive when the husband seeks to do things which please his wife... when he begins to allow her personality and convictions to find a place with his in the marriage. That is what mutual submission is all about, and that is a profound, life-changing theme.

("Every Man's Marriage" by Stephen Arterburn & Fred Stoeker)

A Weaker Vessel

The apostle Paul reminds us as husbands what our love for our wives should look like.

Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them (Colossians 3:19 NIV).

This command is no less important than any other command in the Bible.

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the precious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers (I Peter 3:7 NIV).

Within marriage, the Greek term for "weaker partner" can be translated as "fine china." How does one handle fine china? One handles fine china with enormous care, as one tenderly appreciates and displays its finest attributes. My wife is as God's finest china, lovely in His sight.

I should never trample my wife's femininity and godly character, already honed through years of obedience. ("Every Man's Marriage" by Stephen Arterburn & Fred Stoeker)

A Life-Long Love Affair

The particular experience we are concerned with is the wonderful life-long love affair God designed for husband and wife. He has provided all the pleasures known to man in their normal, healthy, satisfying form, and as Creator of marriage and the Author of love His provision includes a love affair full of thrills and joy and lasting satisfaction for every couple, not just a favored few. ("Love Life" by Ed Wheat)

Mutual Submission

Our mutual submission in marriage must deepen until it parallels the mutual submission found between Christ and His bride.

The wife must submit fully to her husband's authority, as the church submits to Christ's authority, out of reverence to God.

The husband must submit fully to oneness, as Christ sacrificially submitted to oneness with His bride.

When Christ "gave Himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25 NASB), it is not only an expression of ultimate love, but it is a reflection of how a husband should give himself for his wife's good.

To give oneself up to death is a more extreme expression of love than we, His bride, are called to make but a husband must "die" for the sake of oneness with his bride, just as Christ Himself did. ("Every Man's Marriage" by Stephen Arterburn & Fred Stoeker)

Women's Desires for Marriage

Following are some responses of women who were asked in premarital counselling classes, "What do you hope to get out of your marriage?"

"I want companionship and a sharing of intimate moments together. I want to have a relationship with the Lord together. What I long for is bonding together."

"I can't explain it real well, but I want a partnership, emotionally and physically. I haven't got a best friend and haven't had one for a long time. I want that in my husband."

"I would like a bond that no one and nothing can touch, through good times or bad."

"I want companionship and someone who will be there when I need him. I want to be happy."

"I want companionship and love and my very own cheering section. I want someone to be there to accept me as a whole person, good and bad, someone that I can count on."

Some of us have not been as good as we could or should be as partners, companions, friends, or cheering sections for our wives as we should be. ("Every Man's Marriage" by Stephen Arterburn & Fred Stoeker)

An Intimate Relationship Doesn't Happen Automatically

An intimate relationship seldom improves spontaneously, and a troubled relationship almost never gets better on its own.

No matter how bad your marital situation seems to be, you and your partner can fall in love with each other all over again - or maybe for the first time. ("Love Life" by Ed Wheat)

In Perfect Kindness

We are commanded in Scripture to love our wives as Christ loved the church. How did Christ love the church? He loved the church in perfect kindness.

"A BATTERED REED HE WILL NOT BREAK OFF, AND A SMOLDERING WICK HE WILL NOT PUT OUT" (Matthew 12:20 NASB).

Christ doesn't trample us in our weakness. We cannot trample our wives. We need to treat our wives' weaknesses with the same understanding and grace as we would want our own weaknesses to be considered. Oneness is built on that mutual understanding. ("Every Man's Marriage" by Stephen Arterburn & Fred Stoeker)

Emotional Closeness

Achieving emotional closeness has little to do with emotions; it has everything to do with actions. Oneness has terms. Comply with the terms and emotional closeness follows. If you don't comply, the emotions will die. We need to act right, or more precisely, act righteously. If we do, the feelings follow.

To achieve the powerful experience of oneness with your spouse, you will need to recognize at least two things about oneness:

1) It is an action word.

2) It requires sacrifice.

("Every Man's Marriage" by Stephen Arterburn & Fred Stoeker)

Focusing Your Lives

It is important that you and your mate refocus your lives on each other, rather than looking to another individual or group of people to meet your emotional needs.

This also means giving other things a lesser priority - your business, your career, your house, your hobbies, your talents, your interests, or even your church work. All must now be put into proper perspective. Whatever is important to you in this life should now become less important than your marriage. ("Love Life" by Ed Wheat)

Real Love

Love is the power that will produce more love as one learns to give it and in doing so it also produces the romantic emotions of love in full measure:

1) Real love is not mysterious or irrational.

2) Real love is not simple, easy, doing what comes naturally.

3) Real love is not an uncontrollable feeling.

4) Real love is not produced by trying to attract it.

5) I can understand what love is through the Word of God.

6) I can learn the art of loving.

7) I can choose to love.

8) I can produce love by giving it first and giving it wisely.

9) Love recognizes a unique value in the beloved.

10) Love chooses to affirm the value of the beloved always.

11) Love consistently does the best for the beloved.

12) Love is an active power to be controlled by the will.

13) Love is always a choice backed up by action.

14) Love is costly even when the giving is pure joy.

What you think about love will control your behavior and that the desired feelings will come as a result of the right thinking and the right actions. ("Love Life" by Ed Wheat)

Leaving and Cleaving

One of the first principles we learn from Scripture is that marriage means leaving. Unless you are willing to leave all else, you will never develop the thrilling oneness of relationship that God intended for every married couple to enjoy.

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh (Genesis 2:24 NASB).

Marriage requires an inseparable joining of husband and wife throughout their lifetime.

There is no use in leaving unless you are ready to spend a lifetime cleaving. The Lord directs this to the husband especially, although the principle applies to both partners. ("Love Life" by Ed Wheat)

Five Loves

New Testament Greeks had at least five words to distinguish and describe various aspects of love.

In marriage you cannot pick which type of love you prefer. Each one builds on the others. Each one has its own importance and contribution. They are interrelated so that the physical, emotional, and spiritual forces reinforce each other in the act of loving.

1) Epithumia:

This refers to a strong desire of any kind - good or bad. It is an important aspect of the love affair between husband and wife. It means to set the heart on or to long for. (When used in a negative way, it is translated lust.) When used positively, it refers to desire. In marriage, husband and wife should have a strong physical desire for each other that expresses itself in pleasurable sexual love making.

Sex is not the most important part of your relationship but it is an indicator of the health of your marriage. If tension exists in other areas of your life, it will show up in your sex life.

The facet of love known as physical desire should never be ignored in marriage.

2) Eros:

This is the love that more than any other kind carries with it the idea of romance. Eros is not always sensual but it includes the idea of yearning to unite with the desire to possess the beloved.

Eros is romantic, passionate, and sentimental. Eros, however, cannot last a lifetime by itself. It needs to be supported by other aspects of love.

Eros love, when enjoyed in the context of Christian marriage, offers wonderful emotions and rewards that are the gift and creation of God Himself.

Eros helps to transform average life into glorious living technicolor.

3) Storge:

This is the kind of love that can be described as an old-shoe relationship comprised of natural affection and a sense of belonging. This is the kind of love shared by parents, children, and siblings.

Storge love in marriage meets the need of having to belong and when the world is a cold, hard place, storge love offers emotional refuge where the other types of love can safely dwell and flourish.

4) Phileo:

This kind of love cherishes and has a tender affection for the beloved but it always expects a response. It refers to a love of relationship - comradeship, sharing, communication, friendship.

While eros makes lovers, phileo makes dear friends and companionship. They share each other's thoughts, feelings, attitudes, plans, dreams, and interests - the most intimate things they would share with no one else. They also share time. It takes two for the full enjoyment of phileo love.

A marriage without phileo will be unsatisfactory but with it, it will be interesting and rewarding.

5) Agape:

This is the totally unselfish love that has the capacity to keep on giving without expecting anything in return.

Phileo love cherishes and enjoys but agape love serves.

It was agape love that prompted Christ to come to Earth as a man in His love for us. God loves all mankind with an agape love but He has phileo love for those who are in relationship with Him through His Son.

Agape love is an act of the will and is not dependent upon feelings. It is a love of action, not of emotion. Its focus is on what you choose to do.

When your marriage is in trouble, it is agape love that can lead to healing and restoration. A marriage possessing agape love can survive anything, because it is what keeps a marriage going when other natural loves falter.

Agape loves, no matter what. Agape keeps on flowing. Agape is as unconditional as God's love for us. Agape is a choice of the will and so is able to overcome anything. Agape love is plugged into an external power source and is able to operate when all other love fails. ("Love Life" by Ed Wheat)

A Godly Wife's Godly Wisdom

Dave Ramsey's book, "EntreLeadership," illustrates the importance of seeking our spouse's counsel. Dave was considering three different buildings to lease, but was leaning towards the cheapest alternative.

Dave sought his wife's counsel. She steered him towards an expensive option, because of possibilities Dave hadn't considered. She also encouraged him to get an option to buy the building. Her advice eventually saved Dave a tremendous amount of money when they later purchased the building far below market value.

A wife of noble character who can find? ... Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life (Proverbs 31:10-12 NIV).

Your spouse may not fully understand your business or another aspect of your life, but God gives wives insights that husbands may not have. Don't waste it. You may regret it if you do. (Integrity Resource Centre)

Romantic Love - The Thrill Factor

Everyone longs for a thrilling love relationship involving oneness, a deep intimacy, joy and optimism, spice and excitement, and that wonderful, euphoric, indescribable sensation known as "being in love." They feel energised, motivated, and confident to conquer because they are loved by their beloved.

Psychologists know that real romantic love has an organising and constructive effect on our personalities. This love enables us to function at our highest level. A struggling marriage can be revitalised by adding eros love to your relationship. Romantic love is a pleasurable learned response to the way your partner looks and feels, to the things your partner says and does, and to the emotional experiences you share.

When a man loves with all his heart, he is fascinated and enchanted with his girl. Along with these thrilling and consuming sensations there is a tenderness, a desire to protect and shelter his woman from all harm and difficulty.

Think about those things which are attractive in her and about her. Love her with a sensitive appreciation and watch her become beautiful as she reflects and radiates the love you have poured out to her.

Both husband and wife must use their imagination to fall in love, renew romantic love, or keep alive the eros love in their marriage.

If there is a time when everything between the two of you seems wrong, the answer is to fall in love again... with the person you married.

In order to maintain and ensure respect for your partner, NEVER allow another person to tear him or her down. Practise saying good things about your partner to other people. Always dwell on the positive aspects of your partner's character and personality.

Be open to doing things that are special. Shared emotional arousal is a catalyst in the development of romantic, passionate love.

Think of your relationship as a continuing love affair and look at every tender, generous, romantic word or act that you bestow on your partner as an investment in pleasurable memories and emotional experiences that can grow and multiply into romantic love.

Two additional things which provide the right stimulus for the response to romantic love are physical touching - lots of it - and eye contact.

We all have a need to be held, fondled, caressed, and tenderly touched... quite apart from sexual advances. As we experience this from our partner and give it in return, love itself is exchanged resulting in sparks to kindle a romantic blaze. Love delights in giving.
Practise warm, affectionate, and meaningful eye contact with your partner.

(It must be noted that one of the greatest hindrances to romantic love is the habit of nagging. Nagging is basically an expression of a selfish independence.)

Although infatuation thrives on novelty, insecurity, and risk, true romantic love flowers in an atmosphere of emotional safety.

True romantic love, undergirded by agape, and enjoyed in the permanent context of Christian marriage, beautifully portrays the love relationship of Jesus Christ and His church. ("Love Life" by Ed Wheat)

Her Convictions and Gifts

Oneness lies NOT in the SENTIMENT of loving our wife as ourselves, but in the ACT of loving her as ourselves. We must treat the convictions and gifts of her essence exactly as her own. ("Every Man's Marriage" by Stephen Arterburn & Fred Stoeker)

How to Love My Spouse Sexually

Love is the ingredient that brings meaning and rich pleasure to sexual activity. Although not always well understood, it is really what you do with the entire week that determines the quality of your love-life.

Physical desire with its sexual expression is without doubt the most complicated aspect of love in marriage. God's physical design for the one-flesh relationship is truly astounding. The entire lovemaking episode involves three phases of physical response that are interlocking but separate and easily distinguishable: desire, excitement, orgasm.

Fear and hostility are two chief inhibitors of the desire phase. Your sexual relationship will mirror the larger context of your life, revealing personal fears and tensions and serving as a barometer of the total relationship with your spouse. Negative feelings which have not been dealt with will usually first show up in a couple's sex life.

Sex can be used to frustrate, disappoint, reject, or "pay back" the mate, often when the individual does not even realize what he or she is doing, or what has caused the "turn-off." Often, however, it is done deliberately, which is wrong.

To aim for a positive sexual relationship with your mate, you require:

1) correct medical information

2) a biblical understanding of sex that dispels false fears and inhibitions

3) the right personal approach to sexual lovemaking in your own marriage

("Love Life" by Ed Wheat)

Freeing Her to Use Her Gifts

Before marriage, my wife freely ministered to God without interference using her gifts for His pleasure. She was free to avoid sin and to live purely. I cannot steal this freedom from her. If I make no room in our marriage for her to exercise her Christian gifts then I sin... and even worse, I would force her to sin. ("Every Man's Marriage" by Stephen Arterburn & Fred Stoeker)

Her Highest Priority

The male is to submit to oneness. Your wife is aching to be one with you. The whole plan of marriage was designed that you might be one with her. Because women were created for relationship, her highest priority is that you would honor her essence as you do your own, living in mutual submission with her. This is every woman's desire. ("Every Man's Marriage" by Stephen Arterburn & Fred Stoeker)

How to Love My Spouse Sexually... Biology and Medical Information (Part 1 in aiming for a positive sexual relationship)

Fortunately, people today are recognizing the importance of understanding all that God has built into their bodies for sexual delight.

Separate sources need to be consulted for further medical and physical information including a book by the same author, "Intended for Pleasure'" or the author's cassette series "Sex Techniques and Sex Problems in Marriage" or "Sexual Intimacy in Marriage" by William Cutrer and Sandra Glahn. You will learn how to solve the most common sexual difficulties and precisely how to give your partner sexual release - a necessity.

You owe it to each other to be fully informed. When the aura of mystery is removed from the physical process, you are in a position to understand and resolve any negatives in your sexual relationship. ("Love Life" by Ed Wheat)

How to Love My Spouse Sexually... Biblical View of Sex (Part 2 in aiming for a positive sexual relationship)

The apostle Paul proclaims to the Hebrews that the marriage union is honorable and the bed undefiled. The word translated "bed" in the Greek New Testament is actually "coitus" meaning sexual intercourse.

Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge (Hebrews 13:4 NASB).

Scripture tells us that the joyous sexual expression of love between husband and wife is God's plan. It is as Paul emphasizes, undefiled, not sinful, not soiled. It is a place of great honor in marriage - the holy of holies where husband and wife celebrate their love for each other. It is a time meant to be both holy and intensely enjoyable, all within marriage... not outside of marriage.

Each has an equal right to the other's body. Each has not only the freedom but also the responsibility to please the other and to be pleased in return.

The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control (I Corinthians 7:3-5 NASB).

Here Paul has outlined the basic principles concerning the enjoyment of sex in marriage. Bible teachers refer to them as the principle of need, the principle of authority, and the principle of habit:

1) Principle of Need:

Scripture tells us of a commandment, not a suggestion, to meet our mate's sexual needs. Meeting the other's needs results in an exciting relationship.

2) Principle of Authority:

Scripture tells us that when we marry, we relinquish the right to our own body. We turn that authority over to our mate. We must love our mate's body and care for it as our own. Therefore, unreasonable demands are not honoring to anyone.

3) Principle of Habit:

Scripture tells us that we must not cheat our partner by abstaining from the habit of sex, except by mutual consent for a brief period of time. If we break this commandment and defraud our partner by withholding sexual lovemaking, we open our marriage to satanic temptations. Our Creator knows this and that is the reason that He has given us His instructions. It is an inherent part of the love-life of marriage. ("Love Life" by Ed Wheat)

How to Love My Spouse Sexually... The Right Approach (Part 3 in aiming for a positive sexual relationship)

The right approach to love sexually is to begin by looking upon sex as an opportunity for genuine lovemaking - the making and building of love - through giving and receiving in ways that are both physically and emotionally satisfying for both of you.

Sex without other genuine signs of love is sure to create resentment, not response, from your spouse. If criticism is prevalent in the relationship it will always hinder emotional closeness and it will be impossible to establish a series of pleasing physical experiences to build on. Your ongoing love is to be expressed in your caring and in your desire to please your mate and meet his or her needs.

The single greatest need that a wife has is to be cherished by her husband. The single greatest need of a husband is to be respected by his wife. Meeting those needs is instrumental in building and developing genuine love.

One spoken sentence of specific praise and approval will do wonders for her and your sense of closeness in the sexual relationship.

Husband, show your wife in other ways that you love her... romantic caresses at times without sexual advances, admiring glances, affectionate but non-sexual touches... small attentions that tell her that she is an extraordinary special person in your sight. Wife, you can do the same for your husband.

All of this when done regularly as a normal part of your life can help to set the stage for the sexual experience. Researchers know that without affectionate pre-foreplay time together, sexual interest wanes.

You should be able to concentrate on each other completely in a relaxed, pleasant, and romantic atmosphere.

A recent survey revealed that women fantasize romance - not just sex - more than anything else. Husband, your wife needs a romantic prelude to sexual intercourse. Women need to be aroused emotionally, not just physically. They enjoy the closeness and intimacy of sex but they enjoy first the gentle touching and total body caressing done in a meaningful, not a mechanical way.

The physical side of love involves the need to be touched in a way that expresses warmth, gentleness, softness, and caring. Men have this same need but are less inclined to admit it or even be aware of it.

Take time to build desire. Take time to enjoy physical closeness and sensuousness. Take time to love each other with words. Husband, concentrate on pleasing your wife rather than anxiously pushing her toward a sexual release.

Sex should be lighthearted fun - recreation for husband and wife planned by the Creator.

Many women do not understand how important, both physically and psychologically, the sexual relationship is to their husband. They often do not realize that their avoidance of sex or their lack of response will affect their marriage in the most negative way. To the indifferent wife, there is a caution: when there is no physical intimacy, whatever spiritual closeness you have had will fade as well. Indifference is the enemy of love. Regard sex with your husband as another opportunity to build love and oneness into your marriage.

Husband, you need to recognize that for your wife to be totally responsive to you, she needs to have the absolute security of your love in the context of permanent commitment. That is a must! ("Love Life" by Ed Wheat)

A Permanent, Sacrificial, Protective, Nourishing, Cherishing Love

Your wife may not have been raised in the ideal home with an ideal father as a model but if your wife knows and believes that you have a strong, loving concern for her and that you are a protector who actively cares about every detail of her welfare, and that you are prepared to be the spiritual leader of your home, then you will see a healthy responsiveness in her, including sexual responsiveness. She first must know that she is genuinely loved, cherished, and protected in every way. God gives counsel to the husband that he is to provide his wife with a permanent, sacrificial, and nourishing love.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her... So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself... Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband (Ephesians 5:25,28,33 NASB).

In a similar way, God's counsel to the wife is that if you, as the wife, indicate to your husband by word or deed that you do not respect him in some area of his life, you will diminish his desire for you. Other areas of your relationship will then suffer.

Your goal should be to please each other, to satisfy the emotional need that you both have to know that you are loved and accepted exactly as you are.

Husband, take positive steps to meet your partner's emotional needs. Your wife longs to be encouraged, built up, and praised. She desires to feel close to you emotionally.

A husband meets his wife's deepest needs by loving her as Christ loves us, and as a wife responds to that love, she also responds in every way, including emotionally and physically.

As long as your wife feels encircled and sheltered in your love, she can give herself completely to you. In this safety, she accepts herself as a woman and values her own femininity.

Our wives either reflect the love that we have for them or they reflect the lack of love that we provide.

Sharing in daily personal Bible study and prayer together will help to prepare the way for fulfillment in every area of your marriage. Your physical and emotional relationship will flourish as a result of your daily spiritual union. ("Love Life" by Ed Wheat)

The Gift of Belonging

The apostle Paul commands "storge" love.

Be kindly affectioned one to another or Be devoted to one another in brotherly love or Love warmly (Romans 12:10).

An ominous condition of the last days described in II Timothy 3 will be the lack of "storge" love. Sadly, people will be "without natural affection."

"Storge" is the love within a family - whether it be that of parents and children, brothers and sisters in Christ, or, most personally, the husband and wife bonded together in a practical oneness that has its roots in God's original design.

Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and embraces his wife. They become one flesh (Genesis 2:24 MSG).

"Storge" love may seem unspectacular but it is an extremely important type of love in marriage. This aspect of love is called "belonging" and is essential to happiness in a marriage.

Some of the most important qualities of "storge" love include:

1) Practical Oneness:

Husband and wife develop a couple viewpoint. What hurts one hurts the other. What diminishes one harms the other. Personal growth enhances both together. This oneness develops over time and evolves into a couple philosophy in which the personal needs and values of both partners are blended into a common way of life.

2) Supportive Loyalty:

The combination of practical oneness with supportive loyalty effectively raises the shield against any outside intrusion.

If you love someone you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him (I Corinthians 13:7 LB).

A "belonging" love imparts security to the marriage.

3) Mutual Trust:

This has been described as a "bond of mutual reliance so deep that it is unconscious." The Scripture reinforces this.

An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life (Proverbs 31:10-12 NASB).

The same should be said of the excellent husband. Your wife's heart should be able to trust in you as the one who will always be there when needed, helping and never hurting, because you are her husband and because her happiness and security mean everything to you.

4) Emotional Refuge:

If you feel that you must hide your hurts from your partner, something is wrong in your relationship. "Storge," or the sense of belonging, was designed to be the soothing, healing love of marriage. Each partner should be a haven of refuge for the other person from the harshness of the outside world.

At times, each of us needs our hurts soothed; we each need sympathy and empathy from the one closest to us. When a husband and wife are available to each other at crisis times with a caring spirit, they fulfill an important purpose of the God-designed marriage.

Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 NASB).

The threefold cord of Christian marriage has these powerful strands: love of husband; love of wife; loving presence of God.

5) Comfortable Familiarity:

This means that you enjoy being together. You enjoy spending time together without quarrels and recriminations, so that you feel "safe" with each other. Such familiarity, however, should never breed discourtesy. In fact, the courteous kindness that we show to our partner should be even greater than that which we show to anyone else. Consistent kindness in our daily conduct is fundamental to the continuance of love.

You possess the power to give your partner the wonderful gift of belonging.

The passions of love are exciting but it's the shared trust that makes every day of marriage so nice. ("Love Life" by Ed Wheat)

Becoming Best Friends

"Phileo" is the love one feels for a friend of either sex. Jesus had this love for a disciple.

There was reclining on Jesus' bosom one of His disciples, whom Jesus loved (John 13:23 NASB).

Peter expressed his phileo love for Jesus.

"Yes, Lord; You know that I love You" (John 21:16 NASB).

We see phileo love expressed in the Old Testament.

...the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David and Jonathan loved him as his own soul (I Samuel 18:1 NASB).

God also loves with a phileo love.

"For the Father loves the Son, and shows Him all things that He Himself is doing; and the Father will show Him greater works than these, so that you will marvel." (John 5:20 NASB).

The Father loves believers in the same personal way.

"…for the Father himself loves you dearly because you love me and believe that I came from God" (John 16:27 NLT).

Characteristics of Phileo Love:

1) Phileo love is emotional in nature and can be developed, but not commanded.

2) Phileo love is a selective love based on the qualities in another person that one finds admirable, attractive, and appealing. The love is for a reason.

3) Phileo love is a fellowship love requiring enjoyable interaction through comradeship and communication. Two souls are knit together.

4) Phileo love is the manifestation of a living, growing relationship between two friends.

Phileo love is the cherishing love of marriage. The fond friendship of phileo love takes on added intensity as part of the multi-faceted love bond of husband and wife.

When two people in marriage share themselves - their lives and all that they are - they develop this love of mutual affection, rapport, and comradeship. They delight in each other's company. They care for each other tenderly. They hold each other dear. This is cherishing.

None of the loves of marriage offers more consistent pleasure than phileo.

Counsellors often find that phileo is absent from many marriages due to neglecting the need to develop it.

The way to learn the joy of sharing yourself with another is by doing. Sharing is what unlocks the emotions of phileo love.

Phileo is the true friendship love. In a marriage it is becoming best friends with your lover. ("Love Life" by Ed Wheat)

More About Phileo Love

There are three ingredients of phileo and friendship love:

a) comradeship

b) companionship

c) communication

Each word begins with "com" which is Latin for "together."

Comradeship means "together in the same chamber or room."

Companionship means "taking bread together."

Communication means "possessing together."

Becoming best friends with your marriage partner can be one of the most rewarding projects in your lifetime.

Some psychologists believe that there are three phases of friendship and as the three Rs are adapted specifically to marriage they are:

1) Relaxation:

Relaxation must occur before closeness develops. Find things to do together - side by side.

Whatever you do should provide meaningful togetherness where you can interact and enjoy each other. (Christian couples are wise to choose a service that both can be involved in such as a home Bible study.)

Shared time, shared activities, shared interests, and shared experiences lead to shared feelings and shared confidences. As all of this takes place in your relationship, you will find yourselves liking the same things, developing similar enthusiasms, and adopting compatible views.

Fellowship on a daily basis in Bible reading and prayer will give you one mind in Christ, and you will find shared values and ideals which strengthen your friendship.

A survey found that the qualities most valued in a friend, or a spouse, are:

a) ability to keep confidences

b) loyalty

c) warmth and affection

Simple friendship and the beginning of phileo love includes:

· spending time together

· having fun together

· sharing activities and interests

· knowing and liking each other

· talking things over

· confiding in each other

· relying on each other for help

· counting on each other's loyalty

2) Rapport:

The rapport phase has been attained when you are ready to share aspects of yourself that are precious and vulnerable and when it becomes a real joy to do so. Love can be defined as that deliberate act of giving one's self to another so that the other person constantly receives enjoyment. Love's richest reward comes when the object of love responds to the gift.

For wives in particular, there are five basic guidelines for communication:

a) Never repeat to anyone else the things your husband shares with you privately.

b) Give your husband your total enthusiastic attention and listen with genuine interest while he becomes more comfortable in expressing himself. (Remember, it may not be as easy for him.)

c) Do not interrupt him or jump to conclusions about what he is saying.

d) Acknowledge that you understand even if you disagree. Repeat his thoughts and feelings back to him so that he is sure that you understand.

e) When you are sharing your thoughts, be careful never to sound as if you are heaping blame on him.

Because women usually feel more need to talk than men, husbands should learn that they can love their wives just by listening, real listening with concentration accompanied by eye contact. For husbands, focused attention is a major means of building love in a relationship. Husband, give your wife your full, undivided attention so that she feels that she is completely loved without question. One way to implement focused attention is to spend time together alone - really listening to your wife because you want to understand her better. Give your wife the gift of your interested and uninterrupted attention.

As the pleasures of togetherness increase, closeness becomes a way of life and cherishing your partner becomes a reality, not just a wedding promise.

3) Revelation:

It has been said that a man and a woman should choose each other for life because a long life is barely enough time for a man and a woman to understand each other... and to understand is to love.

Married partners come to know that understanding each other truly is a lifelong process requiring sensitivity and discernment of your beloved's uniqueness.

In the revelation phase, both partners are freely open to each other. Both have gladly and freely exchanged the state of independence for an emotional dependence that is unafraid to lean, to trust, and to seek fulfillment of personal needs and desires.

Phileo love must continue to grow through practise. Your responsibility is to help it grow.

Phileo love can be developed between two very dissimilar people even under extreme conditions when the two care enough to pour their lives into it. Be sure to commit to pouring your life into it and you will be blessed! ("Love Life" by Ed Wheat)

Mutual Submission and Oneness

There is no oneness in marriage without male submission, whatever we want to call it. Submission in marriage is not just for women. As men, we must learn submission to our Father in relation to our wives. We'll have no oneness in our marriages without mutual submission any more than Christ can have oneness with His bride without it.

What is every woman's desire in marriage? ONENESS. ("Every Man's Marriage" by Stephen Arterburn & Fred Stoeker)

Love and Respect

The apostle Paul reveals to us the very heart of God in the most powerful passage in all of Scripture as it relates to instructions and commands to husbands and wives.

…each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respect her husband (Ephesians 5:33 NASB).

Wow! The husband has a responsibility regardless of the wife's actions or response… and the wife has a responsibility regardless of the husband's actions or response. These are not just suggestions; these are His commands.

The passage could be re-phrased:

A husband is to obey the command to love his wife even if his wife does not obey the command to respect him and a wife is to obey the command to respect her husband even if the husband does not obey the command to love her (Ephesians 5:33 paraphrased).

As difficult as it may be, a husband, therefore, is called to love even a disrespectful wife and a wife is called to respect even an unloving husband.

Unfortunately, there is a tendency to not follow the command but instead a wife who is not loved often reacts to her husband without respect and without respect a husband often responds to his wife without love. This is wrong! This is just a "crazy cycle" which will lead to nowhere, fast!

Science confirms that which Scripture commands. The woman's primary need is for love and the man's primary need is for respect.

This is not about the husband deserving respect; it is about the wife willing to treat her husband respectfully WITHOUT conditions. The husband is to love his wife WITHOUT conditions, even if he is not seeing the respect that he believes he deserves.

For marriage, loving and respecting are winning approaches... the only right approaches.... just as God knows, has ordained, and commands. ("Love & Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggeriches)

The Agape Way

God has provided a remarkable solution even for those who have lost their love for their marriage partner. It is a love directed and fueled, not by feeling or emotions, but by the will. Out of His own mighty nature, He provides the resources for this love and those resources are available to any life connected with Him by faith in Jesus Christ.

...the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us (Romans 5:5 NASB).

This is agape love of the New Testament - unconditional, unchanging, inexhaustible, generous beyond measure, and most wonderfully kind!

Even in the very best marriage, unlovable traits show up in both partners, because of our fallen nature. In every marriage, sooner, or later, a need arises that can only be met by unconditional love. Agape is the answer for all the woundings of marriage. This love has the capacity to persist in the face of rejection and continue on when there is no response at all.

Agape love is never deflected by unlovable behavior and gives gladly to the undeserving without totalling the cost.

Agape imparts stability and a permanence that is rooted in the Eternal. Agape is the Divine answer for marriages of imperfect human beings. We are reminded of His love.

But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8 NASB).

Agape Love:

a) Agape love means action, not just a benign attitude.

b) Agape love means involvement, not a comfortable detachment from the needs of others.

c) Agape love means unconditionally loving the unlovable, the undeserving, and the unresponsive.

d) Agape love means permanent commitment to the object of one's love.

e) Agape love means constructive, purposeful-giving based not on blind sentimentality but on knowledge of what is best for the beloved.

f) Agape love means consistency of behavior showing an ever-present concern for the beloved's highest good.

g) Agape love is the chief means and the best way of blessing your partner in marriage.

Agape gives the very best to the one you love. Above all else, your spouse needs one thing from you - unconditional love. ("Love Life" by Dr. Ed Wheat)

Unconditional Love – Agape

There is no substitute for the incomparable emotional well-being that comes from feeling loved and accepted, completely and unconditionally.

You will experience tremendous benefits when unconditional love becomes part of your marriage. One who feels loved all of the time, knowing that it is not based on performance but on his or her unique value as a person, can relax fully and love generously in return.

Unconditional love can carry your spouse through periods of severe stress.

In an atmosphere of unchanging love, the two can find security and stability that will help each to grow and become the individuals you want to be.

Unconditional love makes every day a smoother experience, even during tough times. Because you have established the habit of expressing agape, you do not behave disagreeably just because you are feeling depressed, worried, ill, or fatigued.

Unconditional love removes the spirit of defensiveness. Any syndrome of incessant complaining and explaining is happily absent from your home.

Unconditional love means that we can love our mate even in the face of very unlovable behavior. (The story of Hosea in the Bible is truly the most remarkable model of such unconditional love.)

Agape can begin with just one person, regardless of what your partner is doing. That is the genius of this love. ("Love Life" by Dr. Ed Wheat)

Submitting as Leaders

When we husbands insist on being "chief tiebreaker" in our "tribe" and refuse our role in mutually submitting, the relationship becomes so unbalanced that our wives can scarcely fulfill their own role of submission. ("Every Man's Marriage" by Stephen Arterburn & Fred Stoeker)

Agape Love is a Commandment

Agape love is a giving love which flows right from the heart of God onto bless your spouse. One must choose to love with agape love. It is a commandment. It is a decision. Ways to make agape love the central force of your marriage include:

1) Choose with your will to love your mate unconditionally and permanently through attitude, word, and action.

With our will, we choose. Choose to apply God's scriptural principles concerning love and choose to give this love to your mate without limits or conditions.

2) Develop the knowledge you need in order to do the very best for the object of your love.

Two kinds of knowledge are involved. The first is biblical. The man discovers that God has designed him to be a protective, competent leader who will take care of his wife and a tender, kind, and courteous lover. This is what the wife needs from him.

The wife discovers that God has designed her to be a responder to her husband's love; one who is prepared to help, who can gracefully adapt to her husband's calling in life; who possesses the beauty of a gentle, quiet spirit as she respects and affirms her husband; who continues to delight in him all through his life. This is what he needs from her.

All of these truths lie within the plan of God dating from the dawn of Creation. No matter what cultural changes people attempt to bring about, the fact remains that He created us as male and female with different gifts, privileges, and responsibilities. As husband and wife, we enrich each other and in so doing we bring the full measure of joy into our marriage.

In addition to biblical knowledge you must add your personal knowledge which is to be an intelligent, intimate, perceptive knowledge of the unique individual to whom you are married. You will only be able to meet your mate's special and unique needs with agape love if you fully understand what those needs are.

Husband, you are instructed by the apostle to dwell with your wife according to knowledge (I Peter 3). You are to be totally relaxed with her because you understand her so well and you therefore know what she needs and desires and what makes her feel loved.

Wife, study your husband to know what makes him feel loved and what he desires so that you can meet those needs.

Agape is always an appropriate love, not given to your own "hang-ups" but to ensure your partner's well-being.

Learn what speaks love to your spouse and then express your love in ways that cannot be doubted. Share with your mate exactly what it is that makes you feel loved.

3) Pour your life into giving agape love.

Do not forget that agape is an action, not just an attitude. Make a specific effort to DO loving things for your spouse DAILY. The wise husband or wife listens with the heart to discern what the partner needs and desires and then acts to meet those longings.

Agape love means accepting your partner exactly the way he or she is now but it may mean changing your own behavior in accord with the biblical standards to lovingly meet your mate's needs. The rest is accomplished by the Holy Spirit working through the Word of God.

NO ONE has ever regretted trying the agape way. It is commanded by God and He always has amazing surprises of love for those who obey Him! ("Love Life" by Dr. Ed Wheat)

Biblical Encouragements & Cautions

There are some passages which we would all be wise to know and apply in our lives, and more so for married couples.

Regardless of how wonderful marriage can be, we know that "those who marry will face many troubles in this life..." (I Corinthians 7:28 NIV).

Every couple learns about daily conflicts which Solomon calls "the little foxes that ruin the vineyards" (Song of Solomon 2:15 NIV).

As we learn God's Word, we are to apply its truth to our marriages. "The unfolding of your words gives light; it gives understanding" (Psalm 119:130).

The "crazy cycle" within marriages whereby there is a lack of love by the husband and a lack of respect by the wife is "the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness" (Ecclesiastes 7:25 NASB).

Before you venture too far down the road with what might be considered an argument about a trivial issue, ask yourselves, "What causes fights and quarrels among you?" (James 4:1 NIV).

Runaway divorce statistics show us that "insanity is in their hearts" (Ecclesiastes 9:3 NASB).

We know with all assurance that He made them each VERY different for very special reasons. "...the Creator made them male and female" (Matthew 19:4 NIRV).

The good-willed husband is to be "concerned about... how he may please his wife" and the good-willed wife is to be "concerned about... how she may please her husband" (I Corinthians 7:33-34 NASB).

Of course, the wife should show respect to her husband as we are to "Show proper respect to everyone... Not only to those who are good and considerate..." (I Peter 2:17-18 NIV).

If a wife was to ignore being unconditional respectful to her husband, she would not be "accurately handling the word of truth" (II Timothy 2:15 NASB).

A husband is geared to hear the command, "Take courage... be men and fight" (I Samuel 4:9 NASB).

In a marriage especially, "thoughtless words cut like a sword" (Proverbs 12:18 NIRV).

Wives virtually ask to be unloved when they "look down on their husbands" (Esther 1:7 NIRV).

David's wife asked to be part of the "crazy cycle" when she "despised him in her heart" (II Samuel 6:16 NASB).

A wife "who brings shame" on her husband "is like sickness in his bones" (Proverbs 12:4 NIRV).

To speak his language, "the wife must respect her husband" (Ephesians 5:33 NIV).

"Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse" (I Corinthians 7:33 MSG).

("Love & Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggeriches)

A Lifelong Love Affair & Ministry

You are commanded by Scripture to have a love affair with your marriage partner. Genesis tells us that woman was created to fill man's loneliness as his lifelong companion and his beloved. Man was instructed to leave all else, cleave inseparably to his wife, and know her intimately over a lifetime - a process designed to establish a powerful love between husband and wife.

When we come to the Wisdom Literature of Scripture, the private, intensely personal relationship between husband and wife with its romantic love and sexual delight is brought into full view.

The details of a love affair between a king and his bride are exquisitely described in the Song of Solomon as a pattern for all godly lovers to follow.

But the command to engage in a lifetime love affair with one's mate appears in the Book of Proverbs, the book specializing in practical discussions of life's daily problems and offering counsel out of the Creator's own wisdom. Scripture makes it quite clear that, as a husband, our love affair is to be a lifelong one with our wife, and no other.

Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love (Proverbs 5:18-19 NASB).

There is a caution, too, in Proverbs to ensure that one does not run contrary to the Word of God for there will be consequences. Do not become an adulteress and do not become exhilarated with one. "For why should you, my son, be exhilarated with an adulteress…?” (Proverbs 5:20 NASB).

Stay away from the adulteress. Always be madly in love with your wife. The husband is warned to avoid the adulteress because she will destroy him sexually (Proverbs 5:9-11), spiritually (Proverbs 5:12-13), and socially (Proverbs 5:14). The same principle applies to the wife.

The reward for marital faithfulness is a rich one.

That this is a physical love affair seems clear in light of the original language that Hebrew scholars term some of the most graphic lines in Scripture. The verse speaks of the husband being intoxicated and exhilarated always with the physical beauty of his wife.

It is clear that the love affair is to be long lasting and rejoicing together is intended to be an integral part of the marriage.

The love affair that is commanded by God is to be an absorbing, thrilling interchange of mind, body, spirit, and emotions.

Beyond the personal blessings of following God's commandments within marriage, we should realize that God designed marriage to portray the eternal, wonderful love relationship between Jesus Christ and His bride, the church, and that true romantic love is a necessary component of the marriage relationship in order to complete the picture of Christ's love for His people.

It is an exciting fact that when you enter into a marriage designed by God with your love for each other reflecting Christ's love like a mirror for all to see, you also are entering into a personal ministry that will witness to others, enhance all that you do in the name of Christ, and enable you to serve the Lord in a very special way.

As you seek to develop the kind of love-life marriage that the Bible describes, remember that it is not just for your pleasure but it will also become a ministry as you and your spouse are sensitive to other couples who need support, guidance, and wisdom in this same area of their lives.

Husband and wife, you are commanded to enjoy a lifelong love affair with each other! ("Love Life" by Dr. Ed Wheat)

The Secret of Staying in Love (Especially for Newlyweds)

The secret of staying in love for any couple interested in a lifelong love affair is, in one word: intimacy.

Intimacy (derived from the Latin "intimus" meaning inmost) refers to the state of being most private, most personal in relationship. It depicts a special quality of emotional closeness between two people who are both constantly alert and responsive to fluctuations of feeling and to the well-being of the other. It implies fully understanding and being fully understood by one who cares.

A high degree of intimacy between the two lovers in their marriage contributes to mutual happiness and stability.

All of life is richer, more colorful, and more enjoyable when shared with an intimate partner.

An intimate relationship acts as a buffer from the pressures and tensions of daily life. The availability of intimate relationships is an important determinant of how well we master life's crises.

Some of the strands which make up the bond of intimacy between a husband and a wife:

· physical touching of an affectionate (non-sexual) nature

· shared feelings

· closeness without inhibitions

· absence of psychological defenses

· open communication and honesty

· intellectual agreement on major issues

· spiritual harmony

· sensitive appreciation of mate's physical and emotional responses

· holding similar values

· genuine understanding

· mutual confidence

· sense of warmth, safety, and relaxation together

· sensuous nearness

· sexual pleasures lovingly shared

· mutual responsibility and caring

· abiding trust

Time and will are primary factors in developing the intimacy that will cause you to stay in love.

In the Old Testament, God allotted one year of concentrated togetherness for newlyweds in order to establish the patterns of intimacy that would last a lifetime.

"When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out with the army nor be charged with any duty; he shall be free at home one year and shall give happiness to his wife whom he has taken" (Deuteronomy 24:5 NASB).

In today's society we don't often meet that original mandate but the principles remain:

a) NOTHING is as important as the growth in oneness.

b) Concentrate on knowing each other and building an intimate relationship that is pleasing to the Lord.

c) Spend time together to properly lay the foundation for marriage.

d) Husband, learn how to meet your wife's needs.

e) Gain an in depth knowledge of your spouse so that you can love, understand, help, and encourage.

f) Become teammates as you are yoked together to serve God effectively.

g) Recognize that the first year in your marriage is crucial and should be lived with care and forethought.

Let it never be forgotten that strong marriages are in a nation's best interests. The health and foundation of any society depend on the solidness of its marriage units. (In Israel, the nation's internal strength was built from strong marriages and was considered of primary importance.)

Building intimacy occurs through touching in different areas of our relationship:

a) touching - physically (in a non-sexual way)

b) touching – emotionally

c) touching – mentally

d) touching - spiritually

As a note of caution, it is Satan's lie that you can spend time away from one another without hurting your marriage. Physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual intimacy cannot occur by separation and it is this intimacy which fulfills and satisfies, which causes two to become one according to God's design. ("Love Life" by Dr. Ed Wheat)

Building Intimacy

As earlier mentioned, building intimacy occurs through touching in different areas of our marriage relationship:

1) Touching – Physically:

Touching is the most natural act in the world and each of us needs it for our own good health. Touching in marriage in a non-sexual way involves caresses between husband and wife - cuddling, hugging, snuggling, holding hands, sitting, and sleeping close to each other as an integral part of your daily life - not as an occasional happening.

Physical contact is absolutely essential in building the thrill of intimacy and kindling the flame of romantic love between husband and wife.

2) Touching – Emotionally:

When the complexities of emotional intimacy are considered, it is easy to understand why the Lord set aside the first year for newlyweds to concentrate solely on each other.

A homespun philosopher mused that, "A man who can understand his own wife can understand just about anything." Scripture seems to indicate that women are more delicate and more emotionally complicated than men. The godly wife is also incredibly valuable, according to Proverbs 31. Her value is beyond the most priceless jewel but she must be intimately known and understood to be appreciated to the fullest measure. In his first epistle, Peter counsels husbands to give the highest priority to understanding their wives.

You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered" (I Peter 3:7 NASB).

A husband must study his wife so that he can understand her responses to him and to the world's influence on her.

Emotional intimacy with the knitting together of their individual lives is most important in the first year of marriage.

Intimacy only grows in a place of trust and safety and it is through that where love grows.

…love builds up (I Corinthians 1:8 NIV).

…love covers over a multitude of sins (I Peter 4:8 NIV).

Be forever prepared to overlook mistakes and give your spouse the gift of sympathetic understanding.

For building mutual trust, NEVER let your spouse down in something that really matters to him or her.

Never go to bed with unresolved conflict.

...do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity (Ephesians 4:26 NASB).

...forgiving each other... just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you (Colossians 3:13 NASB).

3) Touching – Mentally:

Touching mentally means coming to an understanding about the important issues that affect the direction of your life.

Couples who learn to develop this kind of intimacy find real pleasure in setting goals together and then accomplishing them together.

As a very real and important example, a beautiful intimacy can develop as a husband and wife face and overcome budget shortages together. It is not just a matter of eliminating causes of conflict but the positive value of working together to build a God-honoring life of financial freedom makes this such an important aspect of intimacy building.

4) Touching – Spiritually:

Having a Bible study together each day is the most fundamental way to develop spiritual intimacy.

As you study His Word, you become shaped and transformed in unity as the Holy Spirit works in your lives individually and together.

Further, few things can draw a couple closer together than genuine, heart-searching prayer together. ("Love Life" by Dr. Ed Wheat)

A Pattern for Lovers (The Most Beautiful Love Song Ever Written)

Every married couple who desires to follow the Bible should become an expert on the book devoted exclusively to love and marriage, The Song of Solomon (Song of Songs), is to serve as a model for our own marriages.

Our world is confused about marriage. The prevalence of divorce and modern attempts to redefine marriage stand in glaring contrast to Solomon’s Song. We are told of the marriage between the king of Israel and a beautiful, unsophisticated country girl whom the king met in the northern vineyards of his kingdom.

The Song of Solomon is a lyric poem written to extol the virtues of love between a husband and his wife. The poem clearly presents marriage as God’s design. A man and woman are to live together within the context of marriage, loving each other spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

The poetry takes the form of a dialogue between a husband (the king) and his wife (the Shulammite). The book can be divided into sections:

a) the courtship - sexual desire expressed but restrained – anticipation (1:1-3:5)

b) the procession for marriage (3:6-3:11)

c) the wedding - marriage consummated - sexual desires not restrained (4:1-5:1)

d) the maturing marriage - celebration (5:2-8:14)

The exquisite love poetry between a king and a queen is just as relevant today to the average couple as it was when written 3000 years ago.

The song begins before the wedding, as the bride-to-be longs to be with her betrothed. She looks forward to his intimate caresses and yet she advises letting love develop naturally, in its own time.

On their wedding night, the king praises the Shulammite's beauty and in highly symbolic language the wife invites her spouse to partake of all she has to offer. They make love and God blesses their union.

As the song ends, both the husband and wife are confident and secure in their love. They sing of the lasting nature of true love, and they yearn to be in each other’s presence.

Just as the Bible deals with every area of human behavior, Scripture here speaks clearly of the subject of love and sexual fulfillment in marriage.

The words and emotions that they each express portray for all time the love-life in marriage that honors God.

Marriage is intended to be a reflection on Earth of the love relationship between Christ and His church. As we learn more about Jesus Christ and His love for us, we will know more about the way we should give ourselves to the one we love.

To the inspired Hebrews who wrote the Old Testament, there is no real division between the love of God, the love of neighbor, and the sensuous love of husband and wife. In each case, the same root word, "ahavah," is used.

"You shall love (ahavah) the Lord your God" (Deuteronomy 6:5 NASB).

"You shall love (ahavah) your neighbor as yourself" (Leviticus 19:18 NASB).

"How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love (ahavah), for delights!" (Song of Solomon 7:6 KJV).

Love between husband and wife is seen as a Divine imperative, as the fulfillment of the will of God. The Song of Solomon teaches that romantic, sensual love is His gift and His creation for marriage and that He honors and blesses such true romantic love.

Just as brides-to-be today are similarly counselled by God, the young bride of the king was determined and faithful in saving herself sexually for her husband.

"My love, I truly believe I was being prepared for it long before I even dreamed of romance. I remember hearing my brothers talking one evening. It was shortly after my father died, and they were concerned to raise me properly, to prepare me for the distant day of marriage. They were like a roomful of fathers debating what to do with their only daughter. They finally resolved simply to punish and restrict me if I were promiscuous but to reward and encourage me if I were chaste. How thankful I am that I made it easy for them. I could see even when I was very young that I wanted to keep myself for the one dearest man in my life. And then you came. And everything I ever wanted I found in you" (Song of Solomon 8:8-10).

The king speaks of the ravishing and "sweetly intoxicating" beauty of his bride. He likens his bride's physical features to a lovely garden with "beautiful and delicate flowers of every scent and color" while at the same time his love for his bride is clearly evident.

"You are a beautiful garden fashioned only for me, my darling bride. Yes, like a garden kept only for me... I have rejoiced in the richness of your garden, my darling bride" (Song of Solomon 4:12).

"How delicate are your feet in sandals, my royal prince's daughter! The curves of your hips are as smooth and graceful as the curves of elegant jewelry, perfectly fashioned by the skillful hands of a master artist. As delectable as a feast of wine and bread is your stomach - your navel is like the goblet of wine, and your stomach is the soft warm bread. Your breasts are as soft and gentle as fawns grazing among lilies, twins of a gazelle, and your neck is smooth as ivory to the touch... how strong you walk in wisdom and discretion... Your long flowing hair is as cool and soft as silken threads... strong enough to bind me as your captive forever. How lovely and delightful are you, my dear, and how especially delightful is your love! You are as graceful and splendrous as a palm tree silhouetted against the sky. Yes, a palm tree - and your breasts are its luscious fruit. I think that I shall climb my precious palm tree and take its tender fruit gently into my hand" (Song of Solomon 7:1-8).

Marriage, says the biblical poet, is to be celebrated, enjoyed, and revered. This book provides practical guidelines for strengthening our marriages:

a) Give your spouse the attention that he or she needs. Take the time to truly know your spouse.

b) Encouragement and praise, not criticism, are vital to a successful relationship.

c) Enjoy each other. Be creative, even playful, with each other. Delight in God’s gift of married love.

d) Do whatever is necessary to reassure your commitment to your spouse. Renew your vows. Work through problems and NEVER consider divorce as a solution. God intends for you both to live in a deeply peaceful, secure love.

"True love is as strong and irreversible as the onward march of death...True love never ceases to care. The fires of true love can never be quenched because the source of its flame is God Himself... Of all the gifts in the world, this priceless love is the most precious and possessed only by those to whom it is freely given. For no man could purchase it with money, even the richest man in the world" (Song of Solomon 8:6-7).

(excerpts from "A Song for Lovers" by S. Craig Glickman in "Love Life" by Dr. Ed Wheat)

Edifying Your Spouse

We learned earlier that the second ingredient in the "BEST" prescription for the BEST possible marriage is to ensure that you EDIFY your spouse... always.

There are a great many ways to edify your marriage partner. Nine of them are:

1) Make the decision to never be critical of your spouse in thought, word, or deed.

2) Study your partner to learn the areas where he or she feels a lack and find ways to build him or her up particularly in those areas.

3) Think every day of positive qualities that you admire and appreciate in your mate.

4) Consistently verbalize praise and appreciation for your partner. Be genuine, be specific, be generous. You edify with the SPOKEN word.

5) Recognize your partner’s talents, abilities, and accomplishments. Communicate your respect for the work that he or she does.

6) Husband, show your wife privately and publicly how precious she is to you.

7) Wife, show your husband that he is the most important person in your life - always. Seek his opinions and value his judgment.

8) Respond to each other physically and facially.

9) Always exhibit the greatest courtesy to each other.

("Love Life" by Dr. Ed Wheat)

Surprisingly – Now Focus on You!

If there is ONE suggestion or one tiny bit of advice it would be that you would be encouraged , not to spend one moment thinking, hoping, dreaming, trusting, or praying about how your spouse might or could change. Instead, what would be so much better would be to think and pray about how YOU might change (and then make that change) so that YOU might be all that God wants you to be in your marriage (and in life). The remarkable thing is that when each one in the marriage faithfully does that, amazing things happen, even miracles... even the miracle for which you might have been hoping in the first place!

Of course, each of you is already aware of the differences in your personalities which can, admittedly, cause potential conflict (because of our fallen natures). God knows you have those differences. In fact, somewhat remarkably, that is probably the big reason as to why you are together... because you are so different. If God wanted us to be the same, or He wanted us to be married to someone who is the same, He would have made us that way but, of course, He chose something much more exciting! Instead, He desires that we recognize and use the strengths and giftedness of our spouse (which are often, remarkably, the areas that first attracted us... but sometimes now seem to frustrate us) to complement our own weaknesses.

Any potential conflict will become non-existent when you focus on YOU (instead of on your spouse), at least as far as any changes that YOU can make in YOU. The really good news is that the Holy Spirit is there - ready and available to lead, guide, and direct YOU. (Randall F. More)

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Guidelines for a Successful Marriage (writing on Ugandan wall hanging)

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